June 20 - July 10 2021

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Nokon Jointi Kanobo / Visions of my heart
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On every Life journey of Awakening, Human and Spiritual growth, there comes a point where you break into a deeper layer through the thick ice of ignorance on which you have been figure skating believing you have seen the light and are well established within it. 

Some call it the Dark Night of the Soul. 
This dark night came with the passing of my mother last May…

Since my first dark night three years ago - after a dreadfully long break-up unable to escape, a painful bicyle accident cracking my shoulder into pieces like a hard boiled egg and the sudden shedding of my carreer as a limited-edition fashion hunter - I have been running forward, without looking back, running toward the place I would call my true home, where I could embody my true Self…Always. 

From one spiritual community to another I travelled, globally, polishing my practices and my spiritual ego, from the perfect sneaker to the perfect seeker. Even though my awakening has been genuine, I do have seen the Universe through its own eyes multiple times, the ego activity remained the one of an adolescent rebel, too cool for school with a spoiled and hurt inner abandoned child acting out, unable to find comfortable inner peace. 

The passing of my Mother came with a silent wide shockwave, like those in the movies when the carachter is close by an explosion and stumbeling around with a zap deaf zing in the ears trying to read the situation. 

Yet I did not feel real pain, I could not really grieve like my dad and sister. I was angry and still too disappointed of childhood abandonment and other samskaras of the like. I hardly felt anything when I saw her dead body. I felt deep compassion but I was like “well, ok, bye”… I felt a little ashamed over those feelings… I wanted and needed to grieve in my Heart and grow into maturity. Overcome. Trancend. Enough crybaby already, desperately looking to fit in and be loved by all as a substitute.  

Bobinsana called me over and led me back to the jungle in Peru, back to my Maestro, so I could diet and heal this with her. I knew this was the call to follow … and I said goodbye to my dad and sister once again…

The Bobinsana plants were full in bloom when I arrived at Rono’s property and the pink-white fluffy flowers greetingly sang a song of welcome, acknowledging my arrival. 

We prepared the medicine. Bark and roots. Maestro blessed it and we opened the Dieta during ceremony that night. We paired the Dieta with daily Noya Rao and I immediately felt secure in the velvet hands of the Motherly Wisdom and Love of these two great great Plant Master Spirits. 

What happened over the next weeks after is hard to put in words. Bobinsana’s deep sweet spirit essence came dashing in like a fluffy hairy lightbeing, pure loving sight, a pink-white multi-dimensional Colibri with hundreds feathers in all vibrations, a fuzzy glowing glittering coralreef clownfish entity entering all layers of my being, all area access, right into my spiritual and emotional heart and buzzing shamelessly around like a big fat bumblebee in Extatic Love in the Garden of my Soul, cleansing and blessing my inner Child’s beating little Heart frequency. I shivershaked all over, all in, all out, all around.

I could hardly take this abundant insane amount of Bliss she provided, pure Krishna consciousness of pink golden grace and Ancient Love. Hare Bobinsanana, Hare Krishnana, nanananana na na nanana. 

My body twisted in all joints and tendons and my chest and ribs popped in a hot astral glow-plop leaving me with my mouth and eyes wide open, still, asymmetric, open twist, samadhi, tears rolling, inside out, like a flower freeze-frame under the Sun of God and the Mother of God. Oozing. Regenerating. Growing. Thanking. Healing. Crying. Loving. 

Chains of contractions dropped, fell and released and my dear mother came to me and we sat in Source, embraced in silence and in the comfort of our direct mother-son relationship. I cried and grieved, made ammends, forgiving, said sorry for being too late the day she passed away, for being absent so many years, for lying and being mean to her and thanked her deeply for all the precious time we had together during this life and will have for the remaining of Eternity. 
She smiled. We smiled. We loved. 

I finally have my mother back, just her and me.
I finally have my family back, my dad, my sister and me. I finally have my home back. 
I love them so so much. 
I Love so so much. 
Finally I am Human. 

Hare Bobinsana

Yours,
Niels « Senen Soi » Radtke
❤️